Sweet irony 

Disclaimer: Karma is a bitch.

You’re complaining about the same things I complain. Difference? You’re 47, but you’re acting like a teenager -I am a teenager. (19… still counts as teen -technically a young adult, but you get the point). Oh, and grandma? She’s 75 and suffers dementia.

You’re going through your second divorce now. You married another aggressive piece of shit who never treated you as a girlfriend/wife/human, and who had again the enough balls to be unfaithful to you countless times, call you names, harrass and control you for 5 whole years. Despite the warnings your own mother, brother, and daughter gave you.

Two times, the same thing. Let’s not count your ex boyfriends… but you blame them. You blame all men, instead of blaming your inability to recognize a good from a bad man. 

You complain about your mom not understanding or supporting you. You complain about her asking you for money for some extra support, and that all she thinks about is making you feel bad about yourself. You complain about her criticizing everything you do. 

How many times have you downgraded me? Want me to remember the night you called me a whore? Want me to remind you when you said you wished you had an abortion, or left me with my dad? Want me to remind you how you stated I’m useless and can’t do shit in life? Or the time you kicked me out of my house, and then called me on New Years saying you were going to kill yourself if I didn’t come back?

But hey, everyone but you is a bad person. You’re the only one with problems. You have so many problems, you explode on your own daughter and use her as your sand bag. And when she says to please stop, now she’s the enemy too.

You say grandma is going to die alone… and that you’re afraid of ending up the same. She won’t die alone, don’t worry about her.

The only one that will die alone is you, because you can’t chose correctly who to be with, you push your own family away, and blame anyone else but yourself.

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Dead Fly

Disclaimer: This is a rant – and the title has absolutely nothing to do with the content

I’m in the middle of collapsing. I’m not sure if I’m crazy and just overreacting about dumb things that shouldn’t actually affect me.

I’m afraid of being alone. And I’m afraid of leaving everything behind and not get anything better. I’m afraid I’m taking things for granted, or maybe that I’m just putting them all on an altar and think that if I loose them, I’ll lose everything and everyone and even myself.

Maybe I have already lost myself?

Why don’t I trust anyone? Why can’t I trust I won’t be left alone or betrayed?

Not all men are the same -or so they all say.

Why can’t I even trust myself? Why do I just constantly doubt myself and capabilities? Why am I so afraid of my surroundings?

I’m not that stupid, nor unable to make something out of my life… right?

Im worthy of being loved, and going out, and doing normal people’s stuff. I’m worthy of having friends, and going out from time to time to drink (responsibly) and smoke with friends -not just get drunk at home until I fall asleep with tears soaking my pillow -unnecessary info? Ugh.

I hate who I am, and I’m not sure who I’ll become… 

Wait -who am I?

Shit.

Uber Ride Anecdotes (Part 1)

I use Uber. A lot. I literally take an Uber for like 1km that I could perfectly walk. You’re welcome, Uber… You’re very, very, welcome.

Disclaimer:
This is not a post to trash the agency. I actually enjoy the service they provide, and the fact that it is a very easy way to meet new people is awesome -specially for a person that has a bit of a hard time socializing, like me! Nevertheless, I do believe it would be a far more entertaining post if I write about “strange experiences”, than just “I just had the most pleasant ride from point A to point B. The guy gave me a mint and a bottle of water, and remained quiet the entire ride”

I will not provide the names of the drivers – that would be rude. (And illegal)


12/29/2016, 8:18 am. “Why are you ignoring me?”

Backstory: I was going to a job interview. I was blonde at the time. It was, overall, a nice conversation. He asked me were I was going, I explained to an interview, he wished me the best of luck.
 
“Even though, a beautiful blond girl like you doesn’t really need luck. You seem smart, and anyone would be lucky to have you as a co-worker… or lover” -heh, great. Awesome.
I had a candy -from mexico, called “Gloria” (best candy EVER), and gave it to him as a thank you courtesy  for his ride. He thanked, smiled, and left.
He then later started to text me -all day long. I decided to just not answer… he later asked me why was I ignoring him… If he “misread any signal” I gave him
Dude, I just gave you a goat’s milk candy. Back off.

 

2/8/2017 7:40 pm. Valentine’s advice.

“Do you have a boyfriend, young lady?”
-yes, since almost 3 years ago haha
“Well, for Valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to a motel. There is a very nice one near where I just picked you up. It has a pole in the middle of the room. It’s a whole new experience. Think about it… It spices up the relationship.”

Thank you sir. Thank you…
(I just gave my boyfriend a box full of chocolates -which ended up in my stomach because I got my period)

 

4/7/2017 10:01 pm. Long Distance Relationship

“I have a Mexican girlfriend. I’ve never met her in real life though… We just write to each other by whatsapp. But since my wife left me, she’s the only person that has made me actually smile”

4/18/2017 6:45 pm. “Marihuana is bad”

Backstory: A few guys got intoxicated with k2 in a bar. So, my uber driver thought it was a great way to teach me a lesson about drugs, being young and experimentation.

“Marihuana? MARIHUANA???? GOD FORBID!!! I would never even dare to smoke that shit. My ride is coke. But marihuana? that’s just plain wrong.”

I have a bunch of more stories, but lets leave that for another time, eh?

Untitled

I hope this post is a short… tomorrow I gotta work, and don’t have much time to stay awake.

When you love someone -when you really, really, love someone, the thing you want more is for them to be happy. You try to do anything possible, to get a smile out of that person… and when you see that person (friend, family or significant other) struggling with anything, it also seems to hurt you. So since right now I feel absolutely powerless, and your response to when I asked if you were ok and needed anything was “fuck off”, I decided to vent out another way.

I’m a pusher. I have issues making friends, I have issues keeping them, and I have issues expressing myself to them (I always tend to push everyone away, no fucks given). I have hurt many people, and always had trouble when trusting someone -even my own family, until I found you (lol, too cheesy, sorry)

You see, you’ve been there for so long. You’ve taken care of me countless ways -given me hope, advice, support. You’ve been the only person that has seen me cry for hours, and know how to calm me down. You’re the only person that is not afraid to stand up to me when I’m losing my mind, and you have earned my respect for that and I look up to you for knowing always what to do. You’re the first person I go to, to give good -and bad, news. You’re my confident, my one and only best friend. Regardless of anything, you’ve always been there. You’ve stopped me from killing myself, helped me overcome my self harm issues, fed me when I’ve refused to eat… you’ve been my rock.

You’ve always been strong, and yes, you have your lows, and you always overcome your circumstances. I’ve seen you grow, I’ve seen you mature… And I’ve noticed your change. You now drink more, smoke more, have more issues with your anger, and are a bit more quiet than usual -even your eyes have changed… I ask you what’s wrong, you tell me to fuck off. I know something’s wrong. I’m not stupid. I see you. We’ve known each other for years, c’mon.

Your house has changed, everything is different, everything feels tense… everyone tries to smile, but they all seem dead. Your mother is weirder, your oldest sister is angrier than usual, your middle sister seems to never be at home no more, your cousin is more douchey than what he normally is… and your dad? He’s …distant.

And yes, it hurts me to see that. I lived with you, they became my family too, you know? I felt actually at home. Now? Now everything feels… strange.

I don’t care about the details, I don’t care about what is going on. But I do care about your wellbeing, and I refuse to leave. I respect if you don’t want to talk about it, and I will not insist. But you got to know this: I will not leave you alone. I will be the same strength you’ve been for me. I’ll keep stroking your hair, hugging you and kissing your forehead. I’ll keep telling you that you’re appreciated and loved -by a lot of people. I’ll keep watching you play video games and asking stupid questions like “what is the objective in FIFA?” and “can’t you customize the main character?”, and listening to your stories about the dumb people at work. I’ll keep helping you whenever you’re too drunk to even breathe. And I’ll do my best to be the same support you’ve been to me.

You don’t have to talk to me, you don’t have to cry on my shoulder and scream. I will not leave you alone, don’t you try to push me away. So just know that I am here for you. 

How to waste your paycheck in less than 24 hours 

If you want to see my rant before I got paid, check my last post. If not, continue reading.

How to waste your paycheck in less than 24 hours

  • Wait for your payday

This means: work your ass off until you get paid.

  • Buy a New Nintendo 3Ds

Buy a $230 electronic device that you will use to deprive yourself from social interaction… the same as you do when putting on headphones to listen to music, or read your favorite book or manga.

  • Buy a smoothie

Because hey, gurl. You diserve a piña colada smoothie without alcohol. You got yelled at today for having a slight latin accent in a call. Go get that smoothie, it will be alright. It will all be alright.

  • Go to the doctor

Check your ovaries that want to murder you. Get some prescription birthcontrol pills that will help you get rid of your stones, acne and regulate your irregular monthly hemorrhage.

Payroll (a small rant)

I work at a company that disburses money to banks on a certain date, so a client pays their bank on time.

My company should do the same, when its about paying us… the employees.

They should do the same gosh darn thing, and pay us when were told we’re getting paid. Things like this only show irresponsibility and low appreciation towars us, the workers that make your company the “good” company we are.

If you want us to be nice and happy, treat us how we deserve to be treated. I find it quite disrespectful that last time you payed us a few hours late (which we forgave because at least you payed us before the end of the day), and now you say that we’re not getting paid today because of some unknown issue???

This, is just a slap in the face, from you to us, and a huge “fuck you, employees.”

Fuck us, if we have our own health and financial issues and need the goshdarn fucking money.

Oh, but there is nothing to worry about… in the next days we may get an “Apology letter and a how that is not going to happen again”

Well… you know what?? Screw the letter. Make it a paper ball and shove it up your asses

I don’t want a goddamn letter.

I want my money.

I want my goddamn fucking money to pay the ginecologist I was supposed to see today to know why the fuck my ovaries are hurting so much.

But hey, payroll, it’s not like you had a fucking bleeding vagina that made you screech and cry out of pain. 

Wtf is going on in my head?

Have you ever just gotten up, and just think “fuck. Why the heck am I not dead?”I’m almost 19, and am medicated for my depression. Still trying to figure out the root of the problem… and also trying to cope with the constant suicidal and “not good enough” thoughts.

I get up, take a shower, go to work, smoke a few cigarettes, go home and sleep. Over and over again. 
I’m numb, or maybe i feel everything too deeply. It depends on the day. 

I used to go to the extremes. Either I was super sad, suicidal and just wanted to disappear, or just didn’t feel anything at all. Thanks to meds, i have small lapses where i genuinely laugh, or feel something other than just deep desperation to get out of this body.
When I tell someone I feel bad, I’m always asked “how come? You seem so happy!”

You get to a point it comes out naturally, and even though you’re thinking “i want to jump off a bridge”, your face says “the sun is shining, the sky is beautiful, i love everything and everyone”
Is it normal to be on a bus and think on ways how everything can go wrong and everyone dies? And somehow that gives you… peace?

Is it normal to think about death, and dying, and being totally ok with it??
Nope.

I’m back

I remember starting this blog when I was 16 years old. I wrote 3 posts, and then disappeared.

I thought that my opinions were utterly important, utterly unique. I thought that I was one of those “special snowflakes”, that I was “deeplymisunderstood”… when actually I was just another moody teenager.

I was simply just another brat. Oh well… I actually thought I was different, but in 2 years I discovered so many things, that made me realize I was a bit wrong.

Last year I turned 18, graduated high school and got a technical degree. I’m now a software development technician (hurray!). I got drunk many, many times (even ended up at a hospital), tried spinning fire, started to hula hoop… i guess all oh those things are experiences worth telling, right?

So here I am. Back again. Ready to finally be consistent and responsible, and write my teenage and young adult experiences… so you, readers (younger and older than me), can be part of my self discovery journey.

So, hi. I’m Adriana. 

A New Beginning.

Tomorrow is my first day of school.
Eleventh grade, (kind of a big deal)
I’m hyped and terrified.
So, be expecting weekly posts about school stuff and such…
Sorry I haven’t posted anything at all, I’ve been getting my books, and notebooks, pencils, uniforms and all… Quite a busy month, to be honest, so I haven’t had time at all to think and write, I barely have used the computer
It’s 23:25 pm, February the 1st, and I am not tired yet…
Really doubt I’ll be getting some sleep tonight, and have to get up at 4 in the morning ’cause, honestly? I take a long time getting up… I have this weird ritual that consists in literally begging to who-knows-what for inspiration and willing to be a civilized human for the day, nagging, and the usual “uuuggghhh but the bed is so comfy, whyyy do I have to get out and leaaarrrnnn???!!!!”, then take a 30 minute shower, and put on a shit ton of eyeliner…
This year, I’ve decided I’d comb my hair for a change, so my “girly” classmates wouldn’t nag and tell me stuff I really don’t care and have no idea of how to tell them in a nice, human, sensitive way…
Some days, I have no desire of acting as a “normal” human, so I practically stay all day in bed, without taking a shower, and just travel from my room to the kitchen to get some milk from the fridge and drink it straight out of the carton… feminine, yeah, yeah… whatever.
Ugh, eleventh grade…
Good thing? I’m getting chemistry and biology classes!!! (Ooohhh yeah!!! SO HYPED!)
Also, I’ll get to see my boy (hurray:3 and it’s almost valentines day!! Hurray!!!! Our first valentines♥)
My goals this school period?? Well, I’ll actually try to achieve the goals I’ve set on previous years…
You know, being that straight A student… kind of have to this year so I can get to a good college… ugh, scary, I know
I am a good student, really, I really am… it’s just that after a few months, I get exhausted of everything, it all loses sense and I just stop giving any ducks… so, there’s my small issue…
Oh well, not this year.
Eleventh grade, here I come
Classmates, here I come.
This year, will be a new year.
It will be a good year.
At least, better than the last ones.

My Brain, My Universe. This, is Me.

Yes, I’m relatively young and have ideas and thoughts that are a bit eccentric … My hormones, for reasons of my age, are a bit unsteady, and I can be truly immature.

My own family says I have thoughts that “I shouldn’t have” because I’m “challenging a Higher Being” or because “I’m too young to understand certain things.”

I tell you, I’m 16 years old, and this is probably why many people don’t take me seriously… but let me show you the world from the perspective of weird-socially awkward teenage girl, with a different point of view on several topics…

I’m opening this blog to share my thoughts. With an audience that does not judge strange, different things, though all criticism is more than welcome.

I curse occasionally, so I apologize in advance. I will not give cheap excuses for the reason I do it… I know it’s wrong and rude, and will do my best not to do it very often so I won’t offend anyone.

I was born in 1998, so I am 16 (in a couple of months 17) years old. I have no experience in life because of my short time in this world.

I love reading, and I am an eternal lover of art (in fact, I have attempted to make my own “work” -walls, canvas, paper and cardboard, and desire to one day be good enough to live by selling my “artwork”.)

I have a strange fascination for the world and the cosmos. I adore quantum and theoretical physics, mathematical physics, nuclear physics and astrophysics (but many people believe I’m just kidding). I love to know the reason of things, and it frustrates me to not know an answer.

With logic problems at school, I am unfortunately a disgrace, and I know I need to improve that area.

I have an ability with languages, I learn pretty fast compared to others my age.

I am moderately quiet and patient. I usually keep quiet when I’m “offended” or something like that … but like all things and people, I have my limit and I can throw back the stone in a slightly stronger intensity (sorry, though.)

Animals are so cute. And I’m terrified of insects… (Excluding fleas, small black ants and a small green worm, whose name is unknown for me.) I am one of those people who scream and cry for you to move away an insect from sight (twice the intensity with beetles, and triple the intensity with spiders.)

I hate school but try to put an effort. Teachers have described me as a “brilliant” mind, but I lose motivation out of nowhere.

I am studying software development, and I must say that programming is extremely stressful and frustrating … But when something compiles, the feeling of accomplishment and happiness is beautiful * chuckles *

I cannot speak in public. I just can’t.

I’m no athlete, but when I’m angry, furious, like the highest form of rage, a couple of hours in the gym does no harm (Adrenaline, ladies and gentlemen … Adrenaline)

I don’t usually say what I think, unless someone asks me.

And I can sometimes sound very, very rude (and it is not my intention … I don’t realize how rude I can be; but when I do, I immediately apologize and try to say it again but in a more human way)

I hope that over time, you can see I’m quite interesting…

I usually have eccentric ideas and thoughts … Bizarre theories of the world and situations… Many people disagree with me and my opinions. My hormones are insane, because of my age. And I agree, I can be very ignorant and immature.

I am a teenager, and I probably won’t be taken seriously … I beg you a chance.

This is my brain, my mind…My own universe.

This is me.