Disclaimer: This is a rant – and the title has absolutely nothing to do with the content

I’m in the middle of collapsing. I’m not sure if I’m crazy and just overreacting about dumb things that shouldn’t actually affect me.

I’m afraid of being alone. And I’m afraid of leaving everything behind and not get anything better. I’m afraid I’m taking things for granted, or maybe that I’m just putting them all on an altar and think that if I loose them, I’ll lose everything and everyone and even myself.

Maybe I have already lost myself?

Why don’t I trust anyone? Why can’t I trust I won’t be left alone or betrayed?

Not all men are the same -or so they all say.

Why can’t I even trust myself? Why do I just constantly doubt myself and capabilities? Why am I so afraid of my surroundings?

I’m not that stupid, nor unable to make something out of my life… right?

Im worthy of being loved, and going out, and doing normal people’s stuff. I’m worthy of having friends, and going out from time to time to drink (responsibly) and smoke with friends -not just get drunk at home until I fall asleep with tears soaking my pillow -unnecessary info? Ugh.

I hate who I am, and I’m not sure who I’ll become… 

Wait -who am I?

Shit.

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2 thoughts on “Dead Fly

  1. Your post is very similar to my own, and it’s the kind of post I’ve been looking for. It’s strange reading this because it’s almost like I could’ve very well written it myself. I’m feeling lost like you. Searching for myself seems to only put me further from the truth. It’s okay to feel these things. We don’t know each other but i’m here to talk if needed. 🙂

    Like

    1. Hey, really appreciate your comment!
      It’s nice to know other people feel the same way-or at least similar
      Even though it’s “okay” to feel these things, still hate it. I’d like to be sure of something, have some control over my life -you feel me?
      Thank you so much, same over here. 😌

      Liked by 1 person

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