I hope this post is a short… tomorrow I gotta work, and don’t have much time to stay awake.
When you love someone -when you really, really, love someone, the thing you want more is for them to be happy. You try to do anything possible, to get a smile out of that person… and when you see that person (friend, family or significant other) struggling with anything, it also seems to hurt you. So since right now I feel absolutely powerless, and your response to when I asked if you were ok and needed anything was “fuck off”, I decided to vent out another way.
I’m a pusher. I have issues making friends, I have issues keeping them, and I have issues expressing myself to them (I always tend to push everyone away, no fucks given). I have hurt many people, and always had trouble when trusting someone -even my own family, until I found you (lol, too cheesy, sorry)
You see, you’ve been there for so long. You’ve taken care of me countless ways -given me hope, advice, support. You’ve been the only person that has seen me cry for hours, and know how to calm me down. You’re the only person that is not afraid to stand up to me when I’m losing my mind, and you have earned my respect for that and I look up to you for knowing always what to do. You’re the first person I go to, to give good -and bad, news. You’re my confident, my one and only best friend. Regardless of anything, you’ve always been there. You’ve stopped me from killing myself, helped me overcome my self harm issues, fed me when I’ve refused to eat… you’ve been my rock.
You’ve always been strong, and yes, you have your lows, and you always overcome your circumstances. I’ve seen you grow, I’ve seen you mature… And I’ve noticed your change. You now drink more, smoke more, have more issues with your anger, and are a bit more quiet than usual -even your eyes have changed… I ask you what’s wrong, you tell me to fuck off. I know something’s wrong. I’m not stupid. I see you. We’ve known each other for years, c’mon.
Your house has changed, everything is different, everything feels tense… everyone tries to smile, but they all seem dead. Your mother is weirder, your oldest sister is angrier than usual, your middle sister seems to never be at home no more, your cousin is more douchey than what he normally is… and your dad? He’s …distant.
And yes, it hurts me to see that. I lived with you, they became my family too, you know? I felt actually at home. Now? Now everything feels… strange.
I don’t care about the details, I don’t care about what is going on. But I do care about your wellbeing, and I refuse to leave. I respect if you don’t want to talk about it, and I will not insist. But you got to know this: I will not leave you alone. I will be the same strength you’ve been for me. I’ll keep stroking your hair, hugging you and kissing your forehead. I’ll keep telling you that you’re appreciated and loved -by a lot of people. I’ll keep watching you play video games and asking stupid questions like “what is the objective in FIFA?” and “can’t you customize the main character?”, and listening to your stories about the dumb people at work. I’ll keep helping you whenever you’re too drunk to even breathe. And I’ll do my best to be the same support you’ve been to me.
You don’t have to talk to me, you don’t have to cry on my shoulder and scream. I will not leave you alone, don’t you try to push me away. So just know that I am here for you.