Wtf is going on in my head?

Have you ever just gotten up, and just think “fuck. Why the heck am I not dead?”I’m almost 19, and am medicated for my depression. Still trying to figure out the root of the problem… and also trying to cope with the constant suicidal and “not good enough” thoughts.

I get up, take a shower, go to work, smoke a few cigarettes, go home and sleep. Over and over again. 
I’m numb, or maybe i feel everything too deeply. It depends on the day. 

I used to go to the extremes. Either I was super sad, suicidal and just wanted to disappear, or just didn’t feel anything at all. Thanks to meds, i have small lapses where i genuinely laugh, or feel something other than just deep desperation to get out of this body.
When I tell someone I feel bad, I’m always asked “how come? You seem so happy!”

You get to a point it comes out naturally, and even though you’re thinking “i want to jump off a bridge”, your face says “the sun is shining, the sky is beautiful, i love everything and everyone”
Is it normal to be on a bus and think on ways how everything can go wrong and everyone dies? And somehow that gives you… peace?

Is it normal to think about death, and dying, and being totally ok with it??
Nope.

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