Forgiveness

Forgiveness

My mother attempted suicide a few weeks ago, and was rapidly diagnosed with PTSD due to two very traumatizing marriages. Yes. Two. Two different marriages. Two different years. Two different men. Same result.

She's always been very judgmental regarding people with mental disorders such as being bipolar or depressed such as myself -she was literally embarrassed of even admitting I am a bit mentally unstable and need medication. But as soon as she finally accepted she had a problem as well (after…the incident), she started to understand it can happen to anyone and not because you want to "get some attention".

I'm currently trying to forgive her. Not because she constantly asks for forgiveness for previously not understanding what being constantly sad, to the verge of fucking insanity and desire to succeed in suicide attempts… but because I need to heal the anger I feel towards her.
Because everyone told her to be careful. Everyone advised her to think better, to be cautious with her decisions… and what did she do? She just stomped on all of us, did what she wanted… and was not able to face her consequences. I'm trying to forgive her because she left her family for a man that did not treat her well. I'm trying to forgive her, for letting herself get lost in an extremely abusive relationship, again.

And I'm trying to forgive myself, for not being able to be the best daughter I should be, and being the best support a mother can get in situations like these. I'm trying to forgive myself for not knowing how to act correctly.

Blue Sky 

Blue Sky 

First off, i must thank Mr Hushhush for liking my blog enough to tag me on a challenge. I may also add, you may want to follow this dude: he’s got good posts about personal matters, that are actually quite relatable and worth reading.

So, after reading these questions I’m about to answer, check this guy’s blog out!

 1. Why do you blog?

Why not? Heh…

Well, I’m not quite a talker -so this is a fun way to express myself to random people and pretend people actually care about what I have to say.

 2. What is your favorite topic to write/read about?

Favorite to write: don’t have a favorite… I think.

Favorite to read: I’m a horror junky. I also like reading about depression, suicide, eating disorders, mental illness in general… traveling, comedy and food (even though I’m completely inept at cooking… but reading about cooking recipes makes me feel like I actually will cook someday)

 3. Are you happy in this moment of your life?

Define “happy”

 4. Are you in love?

Yes. Very. It’s a great feeling -even though sometimes you want to throw your significant other (or yourself) from a bridge.

 5. How do you cope when feeling lost or empty?

Fun fact. I never actually coped -until i turned 18.

I have a history of suicide attempts, due to feeling lost and empty. 

Now I just sleep. Or sometimes play Zelda because Zelda is love. Zelda is life.

 6. What’s a special memory you often flashback to?

IMy grandpa had forgotten who I was for about three years, due to a series of medical issues. He was at a nursing home since we could no longer take care of him, and couldn’t afford a stay-at-home-nurse. On Christmas eve, 2012, i was taking him back to his room from lunch. Nurses helped grandma and me put him in his bed. He looked at me right in the eyes, and said “gracias, mi chiquita. La quiero mucho” (thank you, my little girl. I love you very much). I was the only one in the house to which he called that way. He had remembered me.

That was the first moment in years he had remembered me, and it was the last time he would before he past away.

 7. What are you looking forward to?

Saturday, 4:30. That’s when I go back home from class.

 8. Do you see an overall goal in life you’re hoping to reach? If so, what?

A small house, and a happy family consisting of my husband, a big dog, a small dog and a cat. 

 9. What is your biggest fear and how do you rationalize it?

I was actually thinking about this when I was taking a shower. My biggest fear is myself. I’m not sure why, or how to rationalize it… 

I just, live in constant fear or myself 

 10. If you could recommend a book to me, what would it be?

TWIST BY DELPHINE BERTHOLONE

 11. If you could give advice to your younger self, what would it be?

Breathe. Life gets harder. You will get stronger. Love yourself. Be the best version of you. Don’t get that software technical degree. Be patient. You are smart, capable and pretty. Embrace who you are. 

Thank you for reading, hope you might learn new things from me.

Check out this blog, whose write was kind enough to want to ask me these things (and gave me the perfect excuse to write tonight)

Sweet irony 

Sweet irony 

Disclaimer: Karma is a bitch.

You’re complaining about the same things I complain. Difference? You’re 47, but you’re acting like a teenager -I am a teenager. (19… still counts as teen -technically a young adult, but you get the point). Oh, and grandma? She’s 75 and suffers dementia.

You’re going through your second divorce now. You married another aggressive piece of shit who never treated you as a girlfriend/wife/human, and who had again the enough balls to be unfaithful to you countless times, call you names, harrass and control you for 5 whole years. Despite the warnings your own mother, brother, and daughter gave you.

Two times, the same thing. Let’s not count your ex boyfriends… but you blame them. You blame all men, instead of blaming your inability to recognize a good from a bad man. 

You complain about your mom not understanding or supporting you. You complain about her asking you for money for some extra support, and that all she thinks about is making you feel bad about yourself. You complain about her criticizing everything you do. 

How many times have you downgraded me? Want me to remember the night you called me a whore? Want me to remind you when you said you wished you had an abortion, or left me with my dad? Want me to remind you how you stated I’m useless and can’t do shit in life? Or the time you kicked me out of my house, and then called me on New Years saying you were going to kill yourself if I didn’t come back?

But hey, everyone but you is a bad person. You’re the only one with problems. You have so many problems, you explode on your own daughter and use her as your sand bag. And when she says to please stop, now she’s the enemy too.

You say grandma is going to die alone… and that you’re afraid of ending up the same. She won’t die alone, don’t worry about her.

The only one that will die alone is you, because you can’t chose correctly who to be with, you push your own family away, and blame anyone else but yourself.

Dead Fly

Dead Fly

Disclaimer: This is a rant – and the title has absolutely nothing to do with the content

I’m in the middle of collapsing. I’m not sure if I’m crazy and just overreacting about dumb things that shouldn’t actually affect me.

I’m afraid of being alone. And I’m afraid of leaving everything behind and not get anything better. I’m afraid I’m taking things for granted, or maybe that I’m just putting them all on an altar and think that if I loose them, I’ll lose everything and everyone and even myself.

Maybe I have already lost myself?

Why don’t I trust anyone? Why can’t I trust I won’t be left alone or betrayed?

Not all men are the same -or so they all say.

Why can’t I even trust myself? Why do I just constantly doubt myself and capabilities? Why am I so afraid of my surroundings?

I’m not that stupid, nor unable to make something out of my life… right?

Im worthy of being loved, and going out, and doing normal people’s stuff. I’m worthy of having friends, and going out from time to time to drink (responsibly) and smoke with friends -not just get drunk at home until I fall asleep with tears soaking my pillow -unnecessary info? Ugh.

I hate who I am, and I’m not sure who I’ll become… 

Wait -who am I?

Shit.

Uber Ride Anecdotes (Part 1)

Uber Ride Anecdotes (Part 1)

I use Uber. A lot. I literally take an Uber for like 1km that I could perfectly walk. You’re welcome, Uber… You’re very, very, welcome.

Disclaimer:
This is not a post to trash the agency. I actually enjoy the service they provide, and the fact that it is a very easy way to meet new people is awesome -specially for a person that has a bit of a hard time socializing, like me! Nevertheless, I do believe it would be a far more entertaining post if I write about “strange experiences”, than just “I just had the most pleasant ride from point A to point B. The guy gave me a mint and a bottle of water, and remained quiet the entire ride”

I will not provide the names of the drivers – that would be rude. (And illegal)


12/29/2016, 8:18 am. “Why are you ignoring me?”

Backstory: I was going to a job interview. I was blonde at the time. It was, overall, a nice conversation. He asked me were I was going, I explained to an interview, he wished me the best of luck.
 
“Even though, a beautiful blond girl like you doesn’t really need luck. You seem smart, and anyone would be lucky to have you as a co-worker… or lover” -heh, great. Awesome.
I had a candy -from mexico, called “Gloria” (best candy EVER), and gave it to him as a thank you courtesy  for his ride. He thanked, smiled, and left.
He then later started to text me -all day long. I decided to just not answer… he later asked me why was I ignoring him… If he “misread any signal” I gave him
Dude, I just gave you a goat’s milk candy. Back off.

 

2/8/2017 7:40 pm. Valentine’s advice.

“Do you have a boyfriend, young lady?”
-yes, since almost 3 years ago haha
“Well, for Valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to a motel. There is a very nice one near where I just picked you up. It has a pole in the middle of the room. It’s a whole new experience. Think about it… It spices up the relationship.”

Thank you sir. Thank you…
(I just gave my boyfriend a box full of chocolates -which ended up in my stomach because I got my period)

 

4/7/2017 10:01 pm. Long Distance Relationship

“I have a Mexican girlfriend. I’ve never met her in real life though… We just write to each other by whatsapp. But since my wife left me, she’s the only person that has made me actually smile”

4/18/2017 6:45 pm. “Marihuana is bad”

Backstory: A few guys got intoxicated with k2 in a bar. So, my uber driver thought it was a great way to teach me a lesson about drugs, being young and experimentation.

“Marihuana? MARIHUANA???? GOD FORBID!!! I would never even dare to smoke that shit. My ride is coke. But marihuana? that’s just plain wrong.”

I have a bunch of more stories, but lets leave that for another time, eh?

Untitled

Untitled

I hope this post is a short… tomorrow I gotta work, and don’t have much time to stay awake.

When you love someone -when you really, really, love someone, the thing you want more is for them to be happy. You try to do anything possible, to get a smile out of that person… and when you see that person (friend, family or significant other) struggling with anything, it also seems to hurt you. So since right now I feel absolutely powerless, and your response to when I asked if you were ok and needed anything was “fuck off”, I decided to vent out another way.

I’m a pusher. I have issues making friends, I have issues keeping them, and I have issues expressing myself to them (I always tend to push everyone away, no fucks given). I have hurt many people, and always had trouble when trusting someone -even my own family, until I found you (lol, too cheesy, sorry)

You see, you’ve been there for so long. You’ve taken care of me countless ways -given me hope, advice, support. You’ve been the only person that has seen me cry for hours, and know how to calm me down. You’re the only person that is not afraid to stand up to me when I’m losing my mind, and you have earned my respect for that and I look up to you for knowing always what to do. You’re the first person I go to, to give good -and bad, news. You’re my confident, my one and only best friend. Regardless of anything, you’ve always been there. You’ve stopped me from killing myself, helped me overcome my self harm issues, fed me when I’ve refused to eat… you’ve been my rock.

You’ve always been strong, and yes, you have your lows, and you always overcome your circumstances. I’ve seen you grow, I’ve seen you mature… And I’ve noticed your change. You now drink more, smoke more, have more issues with your anger, and are a bit more quiet than usual -even your eyes have changed… I ask you what’s wrong, you tell me to fuck off. I know something’s wrong. I’m not stupid. I see you. We’ve known each other for years, c’mon.

Your house has changed, everything is different, everything feels tense… everyone tries to smile, but they all seem dead. Your mother is weirder, your oldest sister is angrier than usual, your middle sister seems to never be at home no more, your cousin is more douchey than what he normally is… and your dad? He’s …distant.

And yes, it hurts me to see that. I lived with you, they became my family too, you know? I felt actually at home. Now? Now everything feels… strange.

I don’t care about the details, I don’t care about what is going on. But I do care about your wellbeing, and I refuse to leave. I respect if you don’t want to talk about it, and I will not insist. But you got to know this: I will not leave you alone. I will be the same strength you’ve been for me. I’ll keep stroking your hair, hugging you and kissing your forehead. I’ll keep telling you that you’re appreciated and loved -by a lot of people. I’ll keep watching you play video games and asking stupid questions like “what is the objective in FIFA?” and “can’t you customize the main character?”, and listening to your stories about the dumb people at work. I’ll keep helping you whenever you’re too drunk to even breathe. And I’ll do my best to be the same support you’ve been to me.

You don’t have to talk to me, you don’t have to cry on my shoulder and scream. I will not leave you alone, don’t you try to push me away. So just know that I am here for you. 

How to waste your paycheck in less than 24 hours 

How to waste your paycheck in less than 24 hours 

If you want to see my rant before I got paid, check my last post. If not, continue reading.

How to waste your paycheck in less than 24 hours

  • Wait for your payday

This means: work your ass off until you get paid.

  • Buy a New Nintendo 3Ds

Buy a $230 electronic device that you will use to deprive yourself from social interaction… the same as you do when putting on headphones to listen to music, or read your favorite book or manga.

  • Buy a smoothie

Because hey, gurl. You diserve a piña colada smoothie without alcohol. You got yelled at today for having a slight latin accent in a call. Go get that smoothie, it will be alright. It will all be alright.

  • Go to the doctor

Check your ovaries that want to murder you. Get some prescription birthcontrol pills that will help you get rid of your stones, acne and regulate your irregular monthly hemorrhage.