Tomorrow I’m getting my tooth pulled out and getting it replaced for a few months until my mouth is completely ready to get “work done”.
Tomorrow I have a test for my statistics class at the Uni. That is probably the least of my preoccupations right now because, hey, it’s “just an exam”. An easy exam.
Tomorrow I’m meeting my father after 15 years of not seeing him. The man that messed my mother’s life, as well as mine. The one that never bothered to call, or come visit me.
My smile is what gives me a bit if actual confidence in myself. And it may or may not ever be the same. It is pretty and white. Two of my teeth are half porcelain, half bone, and did not have a nerve in them- but they were beautiful teeth (after tomorrow, one of those will not be the same). My smile is my feature. I’m scared to have that taken away… call me vain. Call me stupid. I don’t care.
And I have no intentions on letting my classmates copy my answers again just because “I am sweet and look like I studied” and I am too much of a coward to say back off, but I’m also too much of a coward to let the professor find out and null my test due to fraud and marking negatively my student record. I’m a good student. I am a good student. Or at least I try to be? Call me a smart-ass and an egocentric self serving prick. I just think it is different to share knowledge and help people, than just getting manipulated to give an easy way out to succeed and have your own ass exposed to a possible fire just because you’re too much of an idiot that does not know how to say no.
I am not sure if I will actually be able to look at that man and forgive him in person. I am not sure I will not yell at him for not actually being a father. I have no clue if I will cry when I see him, or if I will want to stick a foot up his ass. I thought I was ready to see him after all these years, but now? Now I’m not sure. I am not a good daughter to my mother, a good granddaughter to my grandma, a good nothing to noone that has tried to be good to me, so why would I be good to the man that was nothing but poison for 15 years? I am not sure if actually seeing him is going to change my mind on forgiving him. I am afraid… not just of meeting him, but of my reaction towards him.
So right now, I guess I will just eat some white chocolate and continue watching Grey’s Anatomy till I fall asleep and wake up at 6 and prepare for the day.